I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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