I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am spending my child support on dildos
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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