If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
