I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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