How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I deserve this hangover.
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