I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
