you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
