My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I did not marry a roomba.
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