I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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