I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
