i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
