Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Randomize
