note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
