Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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