i dont even know how to be here
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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