Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
