This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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