my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
