I feel like abortions should bother me more
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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