sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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