Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
