Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
