You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
