Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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