I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
