I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
