Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
