I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
