i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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