Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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