WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
