i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
