My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
