I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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