When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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