Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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