Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
