Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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