He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
