1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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