I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
