don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
