im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
