Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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