oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We left the knife in your bed.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
