is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
