sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
only you would photoshop your dick
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize