She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
a search helicopter?!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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