I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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