My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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