omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
