we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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