i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
