I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
