I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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