If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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