im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
