Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
